I'm in love. Well, that's nothing new; I've been in love for nearly ten years now. But now I can say I've also fallen in love with the most beautiful woman I've ever met. To love two people may seem strange to some people but, for me, it feels like more of the most natural things in the world and I am so unbelievably happy and grateful to S and B for being part of my life.
I always thought I was lucky to have found B. He's been my rock for close to ten years and I cannot begin to think of my life without him. I have shared happy and sad times with him. We've been through so much and come out stronger on the other side and he's always been wonderful about me exploring my other needs and desires. I even have him to thank for getting us to that first U35 munch where I met S. Without him, I would not be the person I am today.
And that person now loves S too. I got over myself and said the words, knowing that I had to; I couldn't keep them in any longer. I knew I could say them without it being a question and expecting a reply but to get one was a special early Christmas present that has had me grinning like an idiot for days.
I have been so lucky to have found not one but two people who make me feel so alive and that makes me want to shout from the rooftops, to tell everyone I know why I'm so happy...but I can't. Well, I could but I don't want to cope with the fallout right now. I don't need to cause hurt and pain and taint the happy thoughts and feelings I have with the stresses, good meaning and potential hurt from others. I already have a sister in law who, although not causing too much drama, has made it quite clear she doesn't approve of our lifestyle choices and deems us immature. One day, there will come a time when I can't hold it in any longer but for now, I'm happy to grin to myself, knowing that few people know the true source of my Christmas cheer.
Oh, and I've always got Mrs Santa to sneak a look at on my phone!
Friday 24 December 2010
Sunday 19 December 2010
Christmas
Yesterday was a day of pre-Christmas festive joy with the last under-35 munch of the year during the afternoon and watching It's A Wonderful Life at a friend's house. The munch was lovely, with close friends and new acquaintances filling the bar with laughter and kinky chatter. It got me perfectly in the mood to go and watch a film that I know so many people rave about but I'd never had the chance to watch all the way through.
Christmas is a time of year when you want those that you love close to you and last night was no exception. I watched the film cuddling with S on one side of me and B just behind me on the back of the sofa. The message of the film is clear; no man is a failure who has friends and sitting there, with people who I barely knew just a few months ago, now feeling part of something, I felt really happy to be where I am. I started to tear up when other people were saying how much it means to them and I hope that I can continue to strengthen the friendships I have with these lovely new people.
Although Christmas Day itself will be spent with my parents and brother, I will be ringing in the New Year with S and B and hope that it's the start of a very special year together with them both.
Christmas is a time of year when you want those that you love close to you and last night was no exception. I watched the film cuddling with S on one side of me and B just behind me on the back of the sofa. The message of the film is clear; no man is a failure who has friends and sitting there, with people who I barely knew just a few months ago, now feeling part of something, I felt really happy to be where I am. I started to tear up when other people were saying how much it means to them and I hope that I can continue to strengthen the friendships I have with these lovely new people.
Although Christmas Day itself will be spent with my parents and brother, I will be ringing in the New Year with S and B and hope that it's the start of a very special year together with them both.
Saturday 11 December 2010
Battered and Bruised...
...and loving it!
I've always been kinky but over the last few years, I have become more regressed and vanilla due to many changes in my life. Now that I've gone back to the dark side, I'm having to learn who I am and what I actually do like kink-wise. Some things have been hard to accept, others I've been surprised at and some things have gone full circle from like to dislike to loving! A further prompt to really do some kink-searching was getting together with my new lover. The first serious mention of actual BDSM had me freaking out, quite irrationally, but then, I became excited with the idea and really had to think hard about my limits, likes and ideas. Or course, this has led to some actual experimenting and playing.
My first major set of bruises came from a session where I really pushed my pain threshold and really fought with that part of my brain saying that it was all wrong. I had floods of emotions, including being entirely overwhelmed with how I felt when I realised that, yes, pain does make me very turned on! I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about the marks, bruises and pain for several days but it was novel and quite pretty looking so I hadn't ruled it out again.
Then there has been the first session with S. A week of nerves building up, knowing it would be the first time I was going to be caned, some level of fear of changing what we already had together. But it was an amazing release and a wonderful level of pain. It didn't feel like I had to push myself in the same way because I already knew I could handle it and I wasn't worrying about the marks. A new experience with toys that now don't scare me. But the most interesting thing is how I'm realising I feel about the marks, the pain, the bruising; I'm proud of it. I like being reminded of it. I admit, it was a little weird having B examining the bruise with S pointing out what made which mark and both of them taking advantage of the situation but it was a good weird.
I thought I was just going to be going back to the old me but I have found a new person; someone with more maturity. It's hard to let go of the old little secure idea of who I was but the new person I'm forming is happier, realer and definitely more adventurous...and loves the fact that she has two people trying to make those marks last!
I've always been kinky but over the last few years, I have become more regressed and vanilla due to many changes in my life. Now that I've gone back to the dark side, I'm having to learn who I am and what I actually do like kink-wise. Some things have been hard to accept, others I've been surprised at and some things have gone full circle from like to dislike to loving! A further prompt to really do some kink-searching was getting together with my new lover. The first serious mention of actual BDSM had me freaking out, quite irrationally, but then, I became excited with the idea and really had to think hard about my limits, likes and ideas. Or course, this has led to some actual experimenting and playing.
My first major set of bruises came from a session where I really pushed my pain threshold and really fought with that part of my brain saying that it was all wrong. I had floods of emotions, including being entirely overwhelmed with how I felt when I realised that, yes, pain does make me very turned on! I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about the marks, bruises and pain for several days but it was novel and quite pretty looking so I hadn't ruled it out again.
Then there has been the first session with S. A week of nerves building up, knowing it would be the first time I was going to be caned, some level of fear of changing what we already had together. But it was an amazing release and a wonderful level of pain. It didn't feel like I had to push myself in the same way because I already knew I could handle it and I wasn't worrying about the marks. A new experience with toys that now don't scare me. But the most interesting thing is how I'm realising I feel about the marks, the pain, the bruising; I'm proud of it. I like being reminded of it. I admit, it was a little weird having B examining the bruise with S pointing out what made which mark and both of them taking advantage of the situation but it was a good weird.
I thought I was just going to be going back to the old me but I have found a new person; someone with more maturity. It's hard to let go of the old little secure idea of who I was but the new person I'm forming is happier, realer and definitely more adventurous...and loves the fact that she has two people trying to make those marks last!
Monday 6 December 2010
Bondage
This is a rather old video of me (2006!) and probably one of the scariest moments of my life. A friend of mine was looking for participants to be filmed for some short bondage films and I thought "why not", assuming that I would be getting tied up by someone. Instead, I found myself having to tie up one of the most sexually intimidating woman I know*** with pretty little notice! I ended up skim reading the only bondage book I only (acquired from the exact same woman I was tying up) and trying to cram in as much information as I could. I don't love the end result (I never do like watching myself) but it was from an interesting time in my life and I'm glad I'm getting back some of who I was back them.
*** Cakemix is actually one of the loveliest and most awesome people I know and one of my longest standing friends. I just wish I got to see her more often than I do currently.
*** Cakemix is actually one of the loveliest and most awesome people I know and one of my longest standing friends. I just wish I got to see her more often than I do currently.
Distracted and Delighted
Well, my life has taken a turn for the happier, richer and more varied. I find myself in a very content life with a husband and a lover. My needs are met and for once, I feel like a am myself.
I'm not going to lie and say it's incredibly easy but it's not hard either. It feels right and natural. The only negative is that I can't shout about it from the rooftops and that's mainly because I don't want to cause distress to people who will find it hard enough to process my love of women, never mind the actual other person in my life. There may come a time when it feels right to tell my family but, for now, they just know that I am happy.
Reading Ethical Slut has made me appreciate the need to be more honest to myself about my feelings which, in turn, has helped me be honest about them with the other people important in my life. I just wish I'd read this book years ago so I might not have lived in the closet for so long.
Talking about closets, I even feel more in touch with my sexuality and am happier identifying myself as a lesbian. I know that may sound odd, considering I have a very healthy relationship with my husband but I know in my heart that he truly is the only man I will ever want and if I lost him in whatever way, there would be no replacing him with another man, even if David Tennant was available! Honestly, there would be no replacing being done anyway but I don't think I will ever love another man.
Basically, I am a happier, truer, realer me and I love my life.
I'm not going to lie and say it's incredibly easy but it's not hard either. It feels right and natural. The only negative is that I can't shout about it from the rooftops and that's mainly because I don't want to cause distress to people who will find it hard enough to process my love of women, never mind the actual other person in my life. There may come a time when it feels right to tell my family but, for now, they just know that I am happy.
Reading Ethical Slut has made me appreciate the need to be more honest to myself about my feelings which, in turn, has helped me be honest about them with the other people important in my life. I just wish I'd read this book years ago so I might not have lived in the closet for so long.
Talking about closets, I even feel more in touch with my sexuality and am happier identifying myself as a lesbian. I know that may sound odd, considering I have a very healthy relationship with my husband but I know in my heart that he truly is the only man I will ever want and if I lost him in whatever way, there would be no replacing him with another man, even if David Tennant was available! Honestly, there would be no replacing being done anyway but I don't think I will ever love another man.
Basically, I am a happier, truer, realer me and I love my life.
Sunday 24 October 2010
Dystopia
I was always going to be anxious about going to Dystopia; the first night out like that in forever and the uncertainty of it all.
I had my outfit planned for weeks to fit in with the monochrome theme. There was the panic my new shirt wouldn't arrive in time and the awful thought that it might not work together but my uniform style with short skirt and white stockings seemed to look ok. The flash of red lipstick to stand out from everything else. The cautiously applied eyelashes to try and add some glamour. The latex jacket that was found at the last minute. It all made me feel a million dollars but I was sill worried that I wouldn't fit into the image I had of this night.
It was worry for nothing; I had compliments rolling in, adding to that glow. There were people I could admire for their outfits, others I couldn't help look on in distaste and some that I just thought either had a lot of guts or really obeyed their masters/mistresses. But I still only really had eyes for one person; I couldn't help it.
She's one of the beautiful people I have ever met and to add to that, she's interested in me. Her painted lips, her swinging hips as she dances, her graceful way of getting everyone out of her way, her patience, her politeness, her smooth skin looking like a china doll.
And I found myself caressing that skin, holding her close, tracing a line down her neck with my nail. Breathing in an intoxicating smell, planting kisses wherever I could without spoiling the moment...almost innocent, considering the people around us but it didn't matter; I could have been anywhere but my head was somewhere else when I was with her.
She's intelligent, kind, caring and seems to want to give this a chance, not wanting to rush but to make sure this can work for the three of us. He's still in my life, he still means everything to me but there's nothing saying that I can't want someone else in my life too. I don't know where this will go; I'm still in that heady space that you get when someone you like likes you too. But I don't want to rule anything out right now, I want to see where it takes up, communicating and taking our time and trying to get it right...not like the last time.
I had my outfit planned for weeks to fit in with the monochrome theme. There was the panic my new shirt wouldn't arrive in time and the awful thought that it might not work together but my uniform style with short skirt and white stockings seemed to look ok. The flash of red lipstick to stand out from everything else. The cautiously applied eyelashes to try and add some glamour. The latex jacket that was found at the last minute. It all made me feel a million dollars but I was sill worried that I wouldn't fit into the image I had of this night.
It was worry for nothing; I had compliments rolling in, adding to that glow. There were people I could admire for their outfits, others I couldn't help look on in distaste and some that I just thought either had a lot of guts or really obeyed their masters/mistresses. But I still only really had eyes for one person; I couldn't help it.
She's one of the beautiful people I have ever met and to add to that, she's interested in me. Her painted lips, her swinging hips as she dances, her graceful way of getting everyone out of her way, her patience, her politeness, her smooth skin looking like a china doll.
And I found myself caressing that skin, holding her close, tracing a line down her neck with my nail. Breathing in an intoxicating smell, planting kisses wherever I could without spoiling the moment...almost innocent, considering the people around us but it didn't matter; I could have been anywhere but my head was somewhere else when I was with her.
She's intelligent, kind, caring and seems to want to give this a chance, not wanting to rush but to make sure this can work for the three of us. He's still in my life, he still means everything to me but there's nothing saying that I can't want someone else in my life too. I don't know where this will go; I'm still in that heady space that you get when someone you like likes you too. But I don't want to rule anything out right now, I want to see where it takes up, communicating and taking our time and trying to get it right...not like the last time.
Saturday 23 October 2010
It's been awhile
So, I've taken a bit of a backseat with writing again but a lot of my creativity and sexuality were being stifled by not living in my own house. But all that has changed and so this blog way become used again.
Recently, I have been out more on the Manchester scene. I've started going to munches and attended Dystopia, which was a amazing experience being surrounded by the decadance and beauty of it all.
Recently, I have been out more on the Manchester scene. I've started going to munches and attended Dystopia, which was a amazing experience being surrounded by the decadance and beauty of it all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)