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Kinky and Crafty

I’m a huge fan of crafting; I knit, do cross stitch and enjoy creating things. I also love munches. It’s great to have a social space to chat with fellow kinky people and get to know them. I think it’s easy to meet different people in a vanilla setting; there’s no hiding behind the latex clothing or being judged for your play style, you just get to hang out with like-minded people. So what better way than to combine the two and have a crafty munch?

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A Possible Letter...

...or a letter of possibility.

 

I wrote a letter to my parents in my notebook last month, just after the SMDykes workshop on BDSM and poly.  I seem to find myself thinking most about coming out to my parents just before the monthly meeting.  I don't know exactly why.  Maybe it's because of the openly poly people there or because going reminds myself that my parents have no idea about that part of me.

 

I want to come out to them.  I find it hard bending the truth plus I don't want it to come across to anyone that I'm ashamed of S being my girlfriend (which is so far from the truth, it's almost funny).  I'm just so scared of their reaction, of the things they might do and say because it hurts them.  If I just wanted the easy life, I'd continue not telling them but at what cost?  The lies would get bigger, the guilt will get to me and it'd be messy.  I've decided there's never going to be a perfect time; there's always going to be something going on that will stop me, a birthday here, father's day there etc and I could put it off forever but that just won't do.  It has to be done; they need to be told.  By the end of June, I'm going to tell them.  Sometime after my cousin's wedding (that's too close and I do have to spend too much time around them to want to tell them beforehand).  But how?  How can I ever find the right words?  What do I tell them?  How do I do it?  Do I send them a letter and go through the wait, wondering whether they're read it?  Do I tell them in person and risk tumbling over my words and getting upset?  Do I slip it into casual conversation?  Do I hand them a note and wait to see their faces drop?  No way is ever going to be perfect but I need to pick one.  Anyway...the following is the letter I wrote...I just don't know if this is the 'best' option.

 

Dear Mum and Dad,

 

This isn't an easy letter for me to write but I need to be honest with you and to stop hiding something from you that is very important to me.

 

I am polyamorous.  I don't know if this is a term that you've come across but, for me, it means being open to having more than one emotional relationship whilst being honest with everyone involved.  B knows about about this and is happy for me because I can be truly myself.  My feelings for him haven't changed; he is still my husband, I love him and he means the world to me but there is also someone else in my life, whom I love.  S and I have been together for a little while now.  She knows all about B and is, in fact, quite good friends with him now.

 

It has been hard for me to tell you all of this as I don't want you to be disappointed in me; I am still the same person, I just get to be honest and share with you what's going on in my life.  It's important that I tell you as I don't want to lie to you and I've hated not being fully open with you.  I know it may be hard for you to understand and if you need me to talk to you about it more, please ask me.  It doesn't mean that B means any less to me or that our relationship has problems.

 

I hope that you can accept this of me.  I've told you because you are an important part of my life and it was getting too hard knowing that I was keeping things from you. 

 

A x

Teacher's Pet

When I was at school, I had a favourite teacher who I was constantly trying to impress and get in the good books of. Being good at her subject, it was pretty easy and looking back, I was definitely a teacher's pet. I'm starting to think that, if Kink Academy was a bricks and mortar school that I could actually attend, Gray Dancer would be that teacher for me. He's definitely my favourite faculty member currently and I really enjoy watching what he has to say. And what's more, he really is very informative and I think I have learnt the most from him, so far.

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Hair Pulling

So, in my previous post, I talked about reconnecting with S, the BDSM aspect helping with that feeling but it got me thinking about one aspect of the scene in particular, hair pulling. There are a couple of very good videos on Kink Academy. One is part of the Full Contact Dom series, with GrayDancer. This video is very interesting and along with Arthur Hate's video on Hair Play, I really had a lot to think about.

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What is your favorite cartoon character?

It has to be the beautiful Jessica Rabbit!

Ask me anything

Reconnecting

I think there always comes a time in relationships when that honeymoon period is over and things start to settle into a pattern. Stability and familiarly is nice but sometimes it can be nice to shake things up again. It’s never that the fire’s gone out but just turned down low, running low on fuel. I know the feeling well; 10 years with someone means that those flames have been all over the place at times. Real life can get in the way; household worries, health problems, work, study…all kinds of things. You don’t always notice straight away, life will continue comfortably and perfectly well but getting that energy back can do wonders for a relationship.

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Release

I suffer from anxiety and although it doesn’t effect me all the time, it is something I have to deal with on a pretty regular basis. Once upon a time, I didn’t really cope with it well, and there’s still times now that I find it hard but I’m also beginning to realise that I can use kink as a way to help work through it. A really good sensual and deep session, with a long work up to send me off to another place.

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Polyamorous Rollercoaster

All relationships have their ups and downs, a natural progession.  Sometimes they will be high as a kite, filling you with glee.  Other times there will be dips where your paths barely cross and your alone whilst together.  And there's everything in between too.  Or so I've found.  Monogomous people seem to forget this when they see a polyamorous relationship going wrong, or even not being perfect.  Sure, polyamory has its complexities but the general problems will quite probably still be there even if other partners aren't involved.

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Delving into my dark side

I wouldn't say that I'm new to kink. I may only be 25 but ever since I've been sexually active (oh how I love that phrase!), I've been kinky. From being tied to the bed with charity shop ties to scratching my arms, playing dress up to being spanked over his knee, I've never just been interested in vanilla sex. Don't get me wrong, I love vanilla sex, especially on lazy Sunday mornings but I also love things a bit dirtier, a bit rougher, a bit kinky.

Obviously, I've grown as a person over those years and, in all aspects of my life, my tastes have changed.

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Words

There are times when I need to just write about things in my life, not just the kinky fun.  Don't get my wrong, those aspects certainly are fun and I love trying to write about them but there are times when I get a little neurotic or feel like I'm acting like a psycho lesbian and I have to get it out there, banish the words from my body, so to speak.  Recently, I have begun writing an actual journal again, although in my Moleskine that is also my take everywhere notebook.  There's something therapeutic about seeing the pages fill up with lines of my writing, even if it is rambling, illegible waffle.  A private space for my thoughts, without burdening the people around me.  Sometimes the words will flow so easily that, when I glance down properly, I'm surprised to see pages full of my train of thought.  Other times, I almost have to force every single word out onto the page but it generally feels a lot better afterwards.

 

There are other places I like to write too.  I have a vanilla blog, which is sadly a little neglected right now.  It's usually filled with talk of my domestic achievements, like baking or knitting and, since I've not been knitting much and my baking seems to have been eaten up before I can even find the camera, it's remained rather devoid of words recently.  I'm hoping that I might be able to kick start that again if I can just kick start that Stepford housewife part of me again!  Maybe my idea of re-forming the crafty munch will have some effect on my knitting productivity at least. 

 

I tweet a reasonable amount too.  I, again, have two accounts.  One you can clearly see if linked on this blog and I often use it to flirt with S or interact with other kinky/poly people.  My other twitter is used a lot less and is full of my vanilla, quite often knitting friends (there does seem to be a pattern to this).  I have been known to use it as a way to help me get through my anxiety attacks, that 140 character limit being quite helpful for the tiny bursts of writing that I feel I can do when even taking a couple of steps down the road is making me feel like I'm going to panic and freak out.  It's an incredibly hard feeling to describe when I feel I cannot leave a place.  When the seemingly easy task of opening the front door takes the amount of courage that I'd expect to need to jump out of a plane when I'm well (there are days when I think a parachute jump would be easier than the journey to work), I need some way of coping.  I've found that twitter helps me.  I'm not sure why.  Maybe it's the idea that I know someone has shared my angst just by reading my comment or just the idea of admitting to the world that I'm finding it hard somehow makes it a little more bearable.  On the other side of twitter, I do enjoy reading other people's tweets and can keep in touch with my distant friends' lives.

 

That's my reason for enjoying Facebook too.  Again, two accounts.  One is my 'real' me account, full of people from school and linked to my husband.  Due to the lack of the ability of being able to add multiple people to the 'in a relationship' section, plus the fact that I have my mother as a 'friend' on Facebook, I also have a profile for my pin-up alter ego.  Here I can be in a relationship with S and not have to hide.  I have a lot of duplicate friends on here.  Those that already know the full story and those that I'm more than happy to tell when they ask (I find going out my way to explain poly as a bit odd, although I have done it).  It's nice to have somewhere I can shout about S from the highest hills.

 

And this is where the neurotic, psycho lesbian behaviour of the day comes in; I'm fed up of having this multiple set up.  I wish I could be one person, not split between multiple personae.  Although Alyss, Ava and the rest are all the same person at the end of the day, sometimes I wish I could be open and honest with everyone around me, without the fear that I'm going to upset and offend people.  Unfortunately the world is not an accepting place and, although I shouldn't care what others thing of me, I do, especially when it's my parents involved.  I love two people and I can't see my life without either of them (there, I've said it!) and I want to tell the world.  I don't want to keep on hiding things from people.  I've been with S for 5 months and B just shy of 10.  I feel very strongly for both of them.  I shouldn't have to pretend otherwise.  I know that what's important is how I feel and it doesn't really matter than I can't live entirely openly but there is a little part of me that wishes I didn't have to be grown up and sensible: I want to be in the playground holding both S and B's hands.

Valentine's Batterings

Being poly has both advantages and disadvantages. It can become pretty complicated with holidays and birthdays, trying to work out who spends what time with who. Christmas was so full of family related stuff that we didn’t even need to talk about it much but the first kiss on New Year’s Eve was another matter. There’s times when I do end up feeling a little stuck in the middle, with my feelings horribly torn between two people. Luckily, there’s also great benefits to having two partners, especially when both of them are rather sadistic!

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Better Sex

I've been having sex a while and I'd like to think I'm not too bad.  I like to satisfy my partners and also hope to enjoy myself too.  I've been with B for a long time; he was my first and is the only man that I've ever slept with.  I'm sure there's some things I could learn to do things differently or maybe even better but I tend to feel pretty good about our sex life.  I'll probably have a look at the some of the oral sex videos at some point but that's for another post.

Where I feel less confident is sex with women.  I've only even been with 3 women and two of them were pretty much one night stands, part of trying to get that side of me 'out of my system' (like that was ever going to work!).

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Timetabling

I’m very excited to have been chosen as a student blogger for Kink Academy. I hope to get some much out of it, both for myself and my partners. What I need to do is work out some kind of timetable for myself of the kind of videos I want to be watching so that I can get the most out of this semester.

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Kink Academy

I am happy to announce that I have been asked to be a student blogger for Kink Academy! I'm really looking forward to this; the semester starts in February so look out for my kink experimentations from then!

Educational Opportunities

I was checking out my Twitter feed the other day and a retweet by a friend caught my eye. It was a call for bloggers to become students at Kink Academy for the semester and write about their experiences. So here I am, applying for the placement, thinking that this couldn't have come at a more perfect time for me.

Since I came back onto the scene and started to explore who I am, I've done a lot of reading and I still have a lot more to do. I love to learn, to perfect and to share my experiences with others. I'm still exploring my kinks and examining my identity as a switch. I've been on the look out for some good videos to show me the ropes (possibly quite literally) and Kink Academy appeals to be, just from watching through the odd few videos. You can learn such a lot from the experienced and sometimes books and forum posts can only tell you so much.

I use this blog as a way to get my thoughts out; to come back later and think about where I was as a person when I wrote that post. A stream of conciousness and a reminder of fun times. Writing about kink is a huge turn on for me too!

Currently, I am in a poly relationship, with my husband B and my girlfriend S. I've only ever really been a bottom but I am learning about how to top right now so that I can help give S the release she wants and to have some fun with it. It's a scary but very exciting time. I think the videos on Kink Academy would be a huge help to me, not only as a top but as someone who probably hasn't even begun to realise the full extent of her kinks. I would be sharing my experience not only by incorporating what I learnt into various aspects of my relationships but by writing it down to come back to later and think about how it effects my life.

Switch?

I'm starting to even question whether switch is the right identity for
me anymore. I find myself as a bottom to those who I care about
deeply and just don't feel a need to top them, from my point of view.
Recently, I've not even wanted to fight back, although the more I
think about it, the more I want to if the situation arises. It's
strange but I feel that I can't cause them any harm because I care
about them but I don't have a problem them doing it to me and I still
know they care.

I think there's something else there too. I am scared of being a
failure too. If I take control, will everything go wrong? Will I do
things right? Will I satisfy them? Sometimes I just need to get over
this and "man up" as S would say. I have to. These slightly neurotic
ideas don't just stop with the idea of topping someone. I have the
'what if I'm not good enough in bed' thoughts and I really do need to
let them go, embrace my sexual being and get on with it. I held back
from doing something the other night because I was scared of just not
being very good and I wanted to kick myself for it. It's not that the
situation won't arise again, I just need to stop being such a pussy.

Even just writing this has made my mind wander and think that maybe I
can do it. Everyone has to start somewhere and of course I'm not
going to be perfect the first time, or ever, for that matter. I do
want to do bad things to others; they just need to want me to do bad
things to them!

Bad Things Come to Those You Wait

To say that my weekend was eventful would be a bit of an
understatement. Ignoring the tickle at the back of my throat and
filling myself full of caffeine, cold remedies and Olbus oil tissues,
B and I headed over to the Manchester Munch for a quick look in,
mainly to make other people squirm. Then on to the Manchester Poly
group meet, to chat with some pretty like minded people and to meet up
with S. Skipping a little, to Sunday night, S and I headed over to
SMDykes and hopefully, next month, I shall become a card carrying
lesbian. Along with sorting out my dad's new laptop, the weekend was
busy enough without the main event.

Several weeks ago, the idea of S and B co-topping me was brought up.
The mere thought of this had me wiggling a little in my seat, both
with excitement and anticipation but also with a little anxiety. This
stemmed from me knowing that I react and interact with S and B
differently. Something that is ticklish when B does it can make me
squirm with excitement when S does the same things and vice versa.
The good things more than outweighed the slightly awkward and
discussions began, generally with me sat in the middle looking rather
sheepish, embarrassed so much by my two lovers talking about me but
secretly loving my awkward feelings. Then B posted a seemingly
innocent blog post and a seed was planted.

Switch to Sunday afternoon, stood on a balcony, dressed in a makeshift
schoolgirl outfit, shivering more from nerves than the cold. Well,
until the bucket of cold water was poured over my white knickers. The
scene slipped into roleplay that wasn't planned but seemed to work out
and I ended up sobbing my eyes out....from pain, from shame, from
release. I was pushed outside comfort zones but not in the ways I
expected. I was surprised not to find myself acting as the bratty
kid, talking back. There were times when I didn't know who was
wielding the instruments causing my pain, times when I'd feel hits
from both in quick succession, times when I was wondering what they
were plotting between themselves. There were times when I felt
humiliated and I didn't hate it; this was a shock for me. I felt shy
and embarrassed but very much enjoying the feeling too. It's
something that is always hard to explain.

I liked being punished. Actually, that's not the best way to put it.
I liked the pain, I know that. I had to cry. I did feel sorry but I
didn't really know what for. I wasn't sorry they were beating me. I
wasn't even sorry that they forced me to masturbate whilst they walked
off, not knowing if the door was wide open or not. I wasn't sorry
when they were making me come. I don't think I was even that sorry
about what I had done to deserve the punishment but I definitely felt
I had something to be sorry about. There were glimpses into things
that I thought I didn't like or didn't really know much about. I
actually like the horror that someone might have seen me on the
balcony. I didn't feel awful having my knickers gag me. I enjoyed
being looked at in a less than approving way. I think I'm more of an
exhibitionist that I thought I was. The idea of playing in public
doesn't scare me now (well, not in a bad way). I like being made to
feel shy and embarrassed in the right situation.

Being on the receiving end of two people's sadistic tendencies was an
experience that I never expected in my life. I love having both of
them doing bad things to me, I already knew that but having both of
them there, at the same time, having a common aim was an amazing
experience. Doing the dirty with them both at the same time was
overwhelming, a little surreal but was also magnificent and really did
have the 'having my cake and eating it' kind of feeling!

Part of me wants to go into vast detail here, part of me knows I
couldn't even if I tried. My feelings were intense and complicated.
I was reduced to a giggling, grinning wreak by the end of it all. I
just hope S and B both know how good they both made me feel and that I
really am very much in love with both of them and their perverted
ways!

Coming Clean

I've never come out to my parents about my sexuality. This is not because I didn't want to particularly but because of what they see my life as. I've been in a relationship with B for 10 years and my parents believe this is entirely monogamous. If I told them I fancy women too, are they likely to even entertain the idea as, from what they see, I have no real basis for my sexuality beyond looking at people and thinking they're hot. I've found it easier over the years to just not bring it up. I don't really hide the fact I am pretty much a lesbian but I've never come out and said "I'm gay".

Being with S has made me think more about coming out to them. The discussions about her coming out to her own parents have made me think about my situation. I also love her and want to tell everyone I can about it! It's not so simple though. When I come out to my parents, I'll be doing it twice over. They will have to deal with the fact I like women (a lot) and the fact I'm involved with two people. Just how do you explain to someone you're poly? How are they going to understand that I'm not having an illicit affair? Are they ever going to believe that B is fine with this? Will they cast me out for being immoral?

If my relationship was different with my parents, maybe I wouldn't mind so much but we are very close. That's one of the reasons it's so hard keeping this from them as it is but can they ever be happy for me and not judge my life? I don't even know where to begin explaining what's going on in my life. I don't even know if they've even heard of polyamory. I don't want to hurt them. I know that how they feel about it won't be my fault but I do know I can protect them from the pain, although at my own discomfort.

The thing is, I want them to know so that I can include S in my life more. I want her to meet the parents (I know they will like her), I want to be able to talk about her without holding back and I don't want to have to leave this until it's very necessary such as if we decide that we're cohabiting. At the same time, our relationship is still new and I don't need to be telling them just yet.

I need to strike a happy balance right now, both living in the moment and giving some consideration to the future. I may not need to tell my parents this right now but one day I will. Maybe I will have a sudden wonderful idea of how to do it, but for now, I'm going to make the most of my life and avoid actual lying, which is the same as I have been doing for years anyway.