Kink Academy

I am happy to announce that I have been asked to be a student blogger for Kink Academy! I'm really looking forward to this; the semester starts in February so look out for my kink experimentations from then!

Educational Opportunities

I was checking out my Twitter feed the other day and a retweet by a friend caught my eye. It was a call for bloggers to become students at Kink Academy for the semester and write about their experiences. So here I am, applying for the placement, thinking that this couldn't have come at a more perfect time for me.

Since I came back onto the scene and started to explore who I am, I've done a lot of reading and I still have a lot more to do. I love to learn, to perfect and to share my experiences with others. I'm still exploring my kinks and examining my identity as a switch. I've been on the look out for some good videos to show me the ropes (possibly quite literally) and Kink Academy appeals to be, just from watching through the odd few videos. You can learn such a lot from the experienced and sometimes books and forum posts can only tell you so much.

I use this blog as a way to get my thoughts out; to come back later and think about where I was as a person when I wrote that post. A stream of conciousness and a reminder of fun times. Writing about kink is a huge turn on for me too!

Currently, I am in a poly relationship, with my husband B and my girlfriend S. I've only ever really been a bottom but I am learning about how to top right now so that I can help give S the release she wants and to have some fun with it. It's a scary but very exciting time. I think the videos on Kink Academy would be a huge help to me, not only as a top but as someone who probably hasn't even begun to realise the full extent of her kinks. I would be sharing my experience not only by incorporating what I learnt into various aspects of my relationships but by writing it down to come back to later and think about how it effects my life.

Switch?

I'm starting to even question whether switch is the right identity for
me anymore. I find myself as a bottom to those who I care about
deeply and just don't feel a need to top them, from my point of view.
Recently, I've not even wanted to fight back, although the more I
think about it, the more I want to if the situation arises. It's
strange but I feel that I can't cause them any harm because I care
about them but I don't have a problem them doing it to me and I still
know they care.

I think there's something else there too. I am scared of being a
failure too. If I take control, will everything go wrong? Will I do
things right? Will I satisfy them? Sometimes I just need to get over
this and "man up" as S would say. I have to. These slightly neurotic
ideas don't just stop with the idea of topping someone. I have the
'what if I'm not good enough in bed' thoughts and I really do need to
let them go, embrace my sexual being and get on with it. I held back
from doing something the other night because I was scared of just not
being very good and I wanted to kick myself for it. It's not that the
situation won't arise again, I just need to stop being such a pussy.

Even just writing this has made my mind wander and think that maybe I
can do it. Everyone has to start somewhere and of course I'm not
going to be perfect the first time, or ever, for that matter. I do
want to do bad things to others; they just need to want me to do bad
things to them!

Bad Things Come to Those You Wait

To say that my weekend was eventful would be a bit of an
understatement. Ignoring the tickle at the back of my throat and
filling myself full of caffeine, cold remedies and Olbus oil tissues,
B and I headed over to the Manchester Munch for a quick look in,
mainly to make other people squirm. Then on to the Manchester Poly
group meet, to chat with some pretty like minded people and to meet up
with S. Skipping a little, to Sunday night, S and I headed over to
SMDykes and hopefully, next month, I shall become a card carrying
lesbian. Along with sorting out my dad's new laptop, the weekend was
busy enough without the main event.

Several weeks ago, the idea of S and B co-topping me was brought up.
The mere thought of this had me wiggling a little in my seat, both
with excitement and anticipation but also with a little anxiety. This
stemmed from me knowing that I react and interact with S and B
differently. Something that is ticklish when B does it can make me
squirm with excitement when S does the same things and vice versa.
The good things more than outweighed the slightly awkward and
discussions began, generally with me sat in the middle looking rather
sheepish, embarrassed so much by my two lovers talking about me but
secretly loving my awkward feelings. Then B posted a seemingly
innocent blog post and a seed was planted.

Switch to Sunday afternoon, stood on a balcony, dressed in a makeshift
schoolgirl outfit, shivering more from nerves than the cold. Well,
until the bucket of cold water was poured over my white knickers. The
scene slipped into roleplay that wasn't planned but seemed to work out
and I ended up sobbing my eyes out....from pain, from shame, from
release. I was pushed outside comfort zones but not in the ways I
expected. I was surprised not to find myself acting as the bratty
kid, talking back. There were times when I didn't know who was
wielding the instruments causing my pain, times when I'd feel hits
from both in quick succession, times when I was wondering what they
were plotting between themselves. There were times when I felt
humiliated and I didn't hate it; this was a shock for me. I felt shy
and embarrassed but very much enjoying the feeling too. It's
something that is always hard to explain.

I liked being punished. Actually, that's not the best way to put it.
I liked the pain, I know that. I had to cry. I did feel sorry but I
didn't really know what for. I wasn't sorry they were beating me. I
wasn't even sorry that they forced me to masturbate whilst they walked
off, not knowing if the door was wide open or not. I wasn't sorry
when they were making me come. I don't think I was even that sorry
about what I had done to deserve the punishment but I definitely felt
I had something to be sorry about. There were glimpses into things
that I thought I didn't like or didn't really know much about. I
actually like the horror that someone might have seen me on the
balcony. I didn't feel awful having my knickers gag me. I enjoyed
being looked at in a less than approving way. I think I'm more of an
exhibitionist that I thought I was. The idea of playing in public
doesn't scare me now (well, not in a bad way). I like being made to
feel shy and embarrassed in the right situation.

Being on the receiving end of two people's sadistic tendencies was an
experience that I never expected in my life. I love having both of
them doing bad things to me, I already knew that but having both of
them there, at the same time, having a common aim was an amazing
experience. Doing the dirty with them both at the same time was
overwhelming, a little surreal but was also magnificent and really did
have the 'having my cake and eating it' kind of feeling!

Part of me wants to go into vast detail here, part of me knows I
couldn't even if I tried. My feelings were intense and complicated.
I was reduced to a giggling, grinning wreak by the end of it all. I
just hope S and B both know how good they both made me feel and that I
really am very much in love with both of them and their perverted
ways!

Coming Clean

I've never come out to my parents about my sexuality. This is not because I didn't want to particularly but because of what they see my life as. I've been in a relationship with B for 10 years and my parents believe this is entirely monogamous. If I told them I fancy women too, are they likely to even entertain the idea as, from what they see, I have no real basis for my sexuality beyond looking at people and thinking they're hot. I've found it easier over the years to just not bring it up. I don't really hide the fact I am pretty much a lesbian but I've never come out and said "I'm gay".

Being with S has made me think more about coming out to them. The discussions about her coming out to her own parents have made me think about my situation. I also love her and want to tell everyone I can about it! It's not so simple though. When I come out to my parents, I'll be doing it twice over. They will have to deal with the fact I like women (a lot) and the fact I'm involved with two people. Just how do you explain to someone you're poly? How are they going to understand that I'm not having an illicit affair? Are they ever going to believe that B is fine with this? Will they cast me out for being immoral?

If my relationship was different with my parents, maybe I wouldn't mind so much but we are very close. That's one of the reasons it's so hard keeping this from them as it is but can they ever be happy for me and not judge my life? I don't even know where to begin explaining what's going on in my life. I don't even know if they've even heard of polyamory. I don't want to hurt them. I know that how they feel about it won't be my fault but I do know I can protect them from the pain, although at my own discomfort.

The thing is, I want them to know so that I can include S in my life more. I want her to meet the parents (I know they will like her), I want to be able to talk about her without holding back and I don't want to have to leave this until it's very necessary such as if we decide that we're cohabiting. At the same time, our relationship is still new and I don't need to be telling them just yet.

I need to strike a happy balance right now, both living in the moment and giving some consideration to the future. I may not need to tell my parents this right now but one day I will. Maybe I will have a sudden wonderful idea of how to do it, but for now, I'm going to make the most of my life and avoid actual lying, which is the same as I have been doing for years anyway.